


No Colors Anymore

by neveralarch



Category: Vantablack pigment feud RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 20:31:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17148623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/pseuds/neveralarch
Summary: Anish Kapoor kicked it up a notch. Stuart's ready to match him.





	No Colors Anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greenet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenet/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, greenet! Thanks so much for prompting this fandom, I think about the Vantablack feud All the Time.
> 
> Hyperlinks in the fic are largely informational, and aren't necessary if you already get the reference. Just a heads up, a few link to videos or websites with autoplay music.

It's a youtube video. One of your friends sent it to you. They didn't say what was in it. The only text they sent was 'LOL.'

The video shows a man sitting in a chair. He sits back, sweeps his hair out of his eyes, and smiles. "Hello," he says. "I'm here to discuss Anish Kapoor's crimes against humanity."

You pause the video. You google Anish Kapoor. Oh, okay, the guy with the [giant bean thing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloud_Gate) in Chicago. You love that bean. You start the video again.

"I'm Stuart Semple," says the man. You pause the video again. Googling him, he looks like some kind of [hipster art man](http://stuartsemple.com/). You don't think you know enough about art to get this video, but your friend doesn't know much about art either and apparently they Laughed Out Loud. So you start the video again.

"You may remember," says Stuart, "that I have been a freedom fighter against Kapoor's color blockade—blackade—for years. He stopped the world's artists from [using Vantablack](https://www.dezeen.com/2016/03/02/anish-kapoor-exclusive-rights-vantablack-blackest-black-pigment/). I gave the world's artists the pinkest pink. [He put his finger up at me](https://www.dezeen.com/2016/12/30/anish-kapoor-uses-stuart-semple-worlds-pinkest-pink-despite-ban/); I gave all of you a [cool color changing unicorn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUMnv_ZTu90)."

This all sounds pretty wild. Who knew you could fight over colors? 

Stuart leans in. He puts his hand on the desk in front of him. He lowers his voice. "Today, Anish Kapoor [maimed an elderly man](https://www.theartnewspaper.com/news/man-hospitalised-after-falling-in-anish-kapoor-installation) who fell into his artwork. This cannot stand."

You nod along. What kind of monster tries to kill people with their art?

"Anish Kapoor cannot have a monopoly on injuring the audience!" Stuart shakes a fist. "Dangerous art must be free for the masses!"

Wait, what?

"That's why I've designed the Kitty Machine." Stuart rolls his chair back, angling the camera so you can see what's behind him. It looks like a tiny Ferris wheel. Eight adorable kitten heads painted pink revolve around the front of it. As you watch, one of their jaws opens and a gout of flame spews out.

_What_.

"The flames are controlled by a completely random number generator." Stuart beams at the camera. "There's no way to predict which head will activate its blowtorch, or how far the flames will reach. I'm installing it in the Tate Modern tomorrow."

You're so glad you live in Milwaukee.

"They haven't actually given me permission to install it," says Stuart. "But all I have to do is roll it in and leave it there. It's solar powered, so I don't need an outlet, just a window. I'm coming for you, Anish. We'll see who gets the higher kill count."

The video stops on an ad for Stuart Semple's [online store](https://www.culturehustleusa.com/). You pick up your phone and reply to your friend's message with shaking hands.

"WTF."

"I know, right?" replies your friend. "LOL."


End file.
